Ripley's Tail - Scrumbling part 2 June 30, 2021 09:51
Dog Date: 30th June 2021
General Sitch: Trying to nap despite Beetle
Specific Sitch: On the sofa in the lounge, guarding a cow's hoof against hoof thieves, specifically Beetle.
I am part Cairn Terrier, part Guardian of the Galaxy. I deserve snausages. This is my tail.
More today on the ancient art of SCRUMBLING, i.e. how to keep a dog in a state of wild and unbounded ecstasy (see part 1 here). Today we tackle the front-on scrumble, an art that every HUMIN must learn to be a proper dog owner.
Disclaimer 1: Ask the owner’s permission first. Failure to do so may result in them drawing a crossbow from their camouflage rucksack and shooting you through the heart. You may also get bitten by the dog, or the owner.
Disclaimer 2: Approach the front end of the dog with caution as we have teethy things. Approach slowly with open palms, facing down so the dog knows you are friendly. DO NOT approach with a spear, semi-automatic weapon or from the rear. This would lead to a serious misunderstanding of intention.
Disclaimer 3: Do not scrumble Portugese Men ‘O War jellyfish, skunks or HUMINS in hoodies..
Technique 2: Cheers for the ears
- Your HUMIN must be relaxed. Open palms and tenseness leads to karate chops.
- Stand facing your HUMIN.
- The HUMIN should gently cup the dog’s ears in the palms of its hands and INSERT the insides of its thumbs into the insides of the dog’s ears.
- The HUMIN fingers should gently caress the hair on the sides of the dog’s face and under the chin while….
- The thumbs make a circular motion causing the ears to move around like small rotating antennae.
- Note: if the HUMIN thumbs meet in the middle there will be an error message.
- Eye contact should be kept at all times.
- it is permitted for the dog to lick the HUMIN nose. Kissing with tongues is forbidden.
- Dog may collapse forward leaving its whole body limp on the floor with only its head and neck in the HUMIN’s hands..
- You know that high-pitched Celine Dion noise? That may occur from the dog. That or farting.
- If the dog is large, there may be dribbling.
- HUMIN may have to set aside several 15 minute periods every day FOREVER to repeat the exercise.
The very thought of it has made me go limp.
Apart from that, I er, oh no Daddy-my-daddy-xxx ™, is practising it again. I, oh, I, oh - Ripley collapses in ecstasy!
You MUST try this...
Loung-around lounge around, squirm squirm, moan moan
p.s. please hashtag #ripleystail if commenting.
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